The Realm of the Avocado
Just in case you are curious as to what has made me crazy...there is this little vegetable called an avocado. More specifically, there is a color named avocado. There are many shades to this evil fiend but all are deadly. Here is my exposure to avocado...

A long time ago in a city very very close, there was a new couple that had just bought a house. Now this is the seventies and avocado is good...maybe even worshipped by many. It is "hip" and items bearing its color can be found everywhere. This new couple decides to purchase these items not knowing what effects it may have in the future. Then comes along a small child, defenseless and at the mercy of the avocado. Years pass, and while he grows from child to man he is unaware of this "evil". But now he knows what it knows. Unfortunately for him he has fallen to the wrath and influence of the avocado, and cannot escape its grasp. But he can do one thing...warn those out there to beware...to beware the AVOCADO!

Be on the lookout for the items listed below. These are the local sightings of avocado. A few have left us and disappeared, but others still remain. Please excuse me for the poor photos of these devilish fiends. If you were to actually see them you would find it hard to sleep at night...

This is the first item on the list. Going by the name of the "Rug", it slept on the floor of a few rooms. Thankfully, it doesn't exist anymore and this is just a portion of its hide that remains. It did have a cousin that was sun-orange, but that is another conspiracy...

This is the only photo that we could obtain of "Shag". Very similar in origin to the "Rug", this particular beast also covered floors but was larger in mass. Unlike the "Rug", this creature attacked any who walked near it with its large tentacles. Also, anything dropped within its domain was lost forever. Lucky for us it is now extinct.

At one time, avocado covered entire houses and in some areas maybe even towns. The good news is that there has been a silent ban on the painting of such monstrosities. This is because I think that more exposure to such menaces would have terrified local youth...

This evil item is called the "Couch", or in some circles the "Sofa". Regardless of the name, this item from the nether regions is both uncomfortable and sickening to the eyes. It is still at large and picks the pockets of those who dare to come near it.

This particular item covers an entire wall and envelopes the entire room that it dwells in. It does not allow a single beam of light to enter a room, as it hangs in the area near the window. It has been named "Drapes" and we assume that it is a mass of multiple entities, similar to a Portuguese Man-O-War. No one has ever escaped its grasp and unfortunate for us, it is still with us.

Called the "Oven" or the "Stove", this beast spewed fire and burned those who dare to come near. Not only did it spit fire from its belly, it is also charred the curious with its fiery tongues. The wrath of the "Oven" was at its worst when it was cooking a substance called "bacon". It would spit molten lava that would sear the skin of those who tried to retrieve the tasty substance. It is good news to know that this being is deceased.

The groans and grumbles of this mechanical horror could be heard from miles around, but the "Washer" had a devious purpose as well. It promised to wash dishes and silverware if you would simply feed it. But it would not clean them as it promised. It instead forced you to wash them prior to feeding it...a fiendish plot! You can tell that this thing is evil by its devilish grin. Like the "Oven", it can no longer be found in the wild.

This is the "Fridge" as some call it. This particular demon from the depths of hell tricks passersby with offers of food and drink. Once it has attracted its prey, it opens its mighty jaws and swallows the minds of the weak. It has existed since the beginning of time and unfortunately will be with us forever...

Do you see it? Can you now tell why I'm insane!?! Wouldn't you go mad if you had to deal with avocado everyday of your life? Huh...wouldn't you?...C'mon don't lie! I'm not the only one who thinks this...I mean why would "alt.avocado.insane" exist if it didn't?... So what if I'm the only one in the group. Others are out there, but they're caught in "its" grasp!... I'm not the only one. I can't be the only one. Someone out there must believe me! You believe me right? Don't you...Well, don't you? Oh no...they got you too! Don't be fooled!... It's a conspiracy!...
Are you looking for a Back button? Well there isn't one...you're stuck here!

Worship the AVOCADO!